our house tour!

So I did a thing and I made a house tour video - which, let me be pretty clear, is NOT my expertise. I would really love to get better at it (it's actually on my to-do list this year) but my skills currently are shaky and incredibly basic. But I love that we have a real video of our house before we began working on it, because it already looks SO different!

Our house is a special house. Gummy bears litter the stairs, the previous owners left a giant jar of pickle juice in the pantry and left their used loofahs in the shower. I feel like you should be able to actually press charges for that kind of behavior. In any case, our house is so ready for some folks to come in and love on it. Scrub the walls, repaint, light some candles, burn the carpets.

This house tour video was taken two weeks ago, so already our house is mid-transformation. We've finished painting the entire living room and kitchen areas, and are picking out new floors and appliances as we speak. This place has such potential and we've been constantly dreaming of all of the ways we can work together to realize that potential. It's such an exciting adventure, and we're really putting all of our effort and funds into making this house a home.

Welcome! Come dream with us.

the dichotomy of tears

April 29, 2015. The week we found out!

My wee little babe is the size of a peach this week. Since we just announced our pregnancy publicly yesterday, I have a lot of backlogged thoughts, emotions, experiences, vomiting... and I suppose this is the time to share some of those things. (I'll skip the vomiting).

For a while, I had to fight against my initial urge to feel guilty about being pregnant. It felt like I was painfully breaking out of the cocoon of heartbreak, a place that I felt was safe and familiar. I had friends there. Other mothers who had been permanently bruised by the loss of a beloved child. It was a congregation I didn't take lightly. I felt comforted by them, held by them. Sharing about my miscarriage with others who had experienced that same loss opened up my heart in a very raw and very real way. When I found out I was pregnant again, I had a rush of fears. Would I be banished because of this new life? Should I have waited? Would my friendships change? Would they feel a twinge when I told them the news, or be able to share this happiness in all of its complexities? I felt torn between rejoicing and grieving anew for the baby I had lost. I wanted to stay the same, but push forward. I wanted to hold onto the memorial I was holding in my heart, but I also wanted to celebrate new life. I was two different people, two different desires residing on a crossroad of complex emotion.

On June 3rd, at my 10 week mark, my husband and I were able to go to my very first prenatal appointment. We saw the same doctor that I had visited right after my miscarriage, and she was ecstatic to see me again and to congratulate us. It was incredibly nerve-racking. I still felt full of fear. I had this weird, irrational fear that they would tell me I wasn't actually pregnant after all - my body had tricked me. I had tricked myself. But in that bright room, feeling naked and vulnerable in my thin fabric patient's gown, my doctor navigated her handheld monitor across my skin until we all heard the whoosh whoosh whoosh of our miraculously tiny baby's heartbeat. We just cried and cried. We cried tears for Poppy, and we cried tears for our new baby whose heart was beating for us, with us, within me. The tears all looked the same, and they all came from us, but they meant very different things.

I have learned that complex emotion, that layered and turbulent crossroad, is beautiful. And I don't mean that in the fluffy, hippy way that people sometimes use the word "beautiful" (I mean, people love to say that birth is beautiful, but I'm certainly not paying anyone to see that business, not even my own). I wish there was another word, a better word. Complex emotion is...worthwhile. The fight, the questions I ask myself, the answers I discover, it's all worthwhile. I can't quite bring myself to say that birth itself is actually beautiful because it totally freaks me out, but it is worthwhile. It's not pretty, it's worthy. Because it hurts and it's earned and it hurts hurts hurts and it produces stunning, glorious, fresh life. The complexities of life are hard and they're worth feeling. They're the dichotomy of tears.

I own the grief and I own the joy, crying tears for both and feeling for both.
I don't have to choose, because I am all of it all at once.

THE announcement

I feel like whenever female bloggers have a big announcement to make they always have to begin the message by saying and no I'm not pregnant just to clear the air, because whenever you see "big announcement!!" you automatically think BABY! In this case, there's no disclaimer. This is it. It's THE announcement.

I'm no longer beating around the bush or changing the subject or resisting the urge to be cheesy. I'm cheesy and happy and a little bit sick because I'm having a baby!

I had this all-consuming fear of a super lame pregnancy announcement, because most of them are so cheesy and terrible, but when it all came down to it I realized that sometimes corny is okay. I'm looking for corny in my life. My wonderful sister-in-law (of Amy O'Neil's Photography) took the photos for us. We went to Starbucks and we used a Mini Frapp baby like total pros, and then we drank the baby.

I'm going to have a human. Correction, I have a human, growing inside of me. It's all very sci-fi, really, and we've never been more excited in our lives! We just bought a house, we're having a baby to put in that house, and it's all going to be a very merry Christmas.

a little embarrassed

Friends.

I'm a little embarrassed by my lack of blogging lately. I'd apologize, but I think sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and kind of recoup from the blogosphere. The month-long absence wasn't entirely intentional, but a friend of mine put this quite well: I've noticed that I tend to feel "burnt out" on blogging especially when life includes a lot of big decisions and/or hard, weighty things...

That's kind of spot on for me. When there are things that I may not want to post about or am distracted by, coming up with my quota of weekly blog posts feels draining instead of inspiring. There has been a lot going on in our lives lately, a lot of stresses and decisions and shifts. It felt unnatural to try and force constant, lighthearted posts when I simply wanted to focus on life, and take lots of naps to recover from the day to day. For the month of June, I am working 10 hour work days Monday-Thursday which has proven to be very tiring. I know it sounds stupid, but sitting on your butt in front of a computer all day is a total energy sap. I have to go lie down just to recover from sitting down.

AND, we finallllyyyyyy closed on our house yesterday!! The house hunting emotions are over, and it's finally finally finally time to turn this house into a home. You know, now that it's 111 degrees all day err day, let the summer projects begin! We are so thrilled. We kind of naively thought that the hard part was getting The Bank to accept our bid, but that was just the beginning of nearly two months of struggling to get to this point. The journey was an exhausting one but now we have a [not-so] brand new home that's all ours [as soon as we replace the carpets, paint every wall, and deep clean the bajeezus out of it].

I've been working on a video tour of the "before" of our house, and I will be posting that here probably this week! I can't wait to show you all how grimy the place is, and hopefully spread our incredible excitement for the potential it has. You just gotta look past all of the scattered gummy bears stuck to the stairs and the moldy refrigerator, and you'll be running up inspiration lane.

See you soon!

style crush: blake lively

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So two weeks ago my husband and I went on a little date to see Age of Adaline. I think my crush on the star of that film, Blake Lively, began somewhere around the time she married Ryan Reynolds. I think they're adorable. I have little to no experience with Blake as an actress, because I never really watched Gossip Girl and I was a much bigger fan of Lena in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants saga. I think the majority of Blake's career has kind of slipped past my radar. But there was something about the Adaline story and character arc that I couldn't wait to see. I knew Blake would rock it, because she has this natural knack for ethereal beauty and transcendent style. While watching the movie, I totally believed that she had been living eternally youthful for decades. I could hear it in her voice and sense it in the way she carried herself. I thought the movie was stunning and I honestly can't wait to see it again. Granted, it has its flaws - a hefty handful of them. But the clothes, the timelines, the love stories. I'm all about them and am now all about Blake Lively.

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As much as I love the style of the titular Adaline in Age of Adaline, Blake Lively's real life red carpet and street styles are always gorgeous as well. Last year she created the website Preserve, which is a digital magazine and one of a kind shop filled with handmade items all chosen by Blake. I'm personally obsessed with these hand-painted vintage boyfriend jeans after seeing them on her Instagram (here and here), and it's pretty fun to dare my future self to spend the $500 necessary to buy a pair of them. (Spoiler alert: my future self never does). I'm starting to wonder if I could find a way to DIY them...

While the site has high-priced clothes for men, women and children alike, it also has a whole "under $50" section and a pretty wide variety of price points. Either way, it's a site that's full of inspiration and I love her more for it.

Blake also had the most fantastic maternity style of anyone I've ever seen.

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So without any further ado, proceed to swoon over Blake's beautiful clothes and have a very happy Monday. And if you haven't already, indulge in a weeknight viewing of Age of Adaline, because it's fun and sweet and quite sincerely lovely.

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harry potter book club: the chamber of secrets

Welcome to the Harry Potter Book Club's discussion of The Chamber of Secrets! And a very happy birthday to the one and only Professor Pomona Sprout, who may very well be the unsung hero of this entire book.

(If you're new, make sure to jump back and take a look at our review and discussion of book 1, The Sorcerer's Stone.)

Let's get started!

A New Year...
a new debacle for Harry Potter. This debacle just happens to be a bizarre little orb-eyed elf named Dobby. Let's talk about Dobby for a second. I must confess that I can't help feeling incredibly frustrated with Dobby, as Harry does. While his intentions are pure and his little soul is desperately trying to help, he's quite exclusively a pain in the tuckus at this point. Blocking Harry's mail, smashing Petunia's pudding, sealing platform 9 3/4, trying to (not) kill Harry with a rogue bludger, giving him totally useless hints. What did you think of Dobby? Did you like him despite yourself?

(SIDE NOTE: So did no one else notice that insanely rogue bludger in the Quidditch match? I feel like maybe Quidditch should be a little more fail safe. Since every viewer is magic, how is it that Quidditch matches aren't constantly tampered with by the spectators in the stands? No one seemed to really notice, care about or put a stop to Harry's rogue broom in the last book, either. Considering what Harry has been through in only two seasons of playing, it's a mystery how the death toll is so low in the history of the sport.)

I think the biggest relief of Harry freeing Dobby in the end (awww) is that their conversations can be a bit more straightforward from now on; less head smashing.

Introductions
are especially significant reading these books the second time around. There are a few key introductions that happen in this book that are pretty momentous throughout the series. As we've already discussed, there's Dobby, who has a great arc throughout the series and does (spoiler alert) return to save Harry's life once again.

Then there's the Burrow. Is there anyone in their right mind who wouldn't want to live there? When Ron is first showing Harry around, and he's all self-conscious about it, and Harry's just like, honestly, this is the best house I've ever been in, and Ron's ears turn pink. Gah. Best friendship.

While we had technically already met Ginny Weasley, this book is basically her I have arrived party. Sure, she spends most of it it strangling roosters and putting her heart and soul into a dark and dangerous diary, but she gets better later. She's only 11, after all. Kids be kids.

Then there's Tom Riddle. This book provides us with the first of many glimpses into the origins of Lord Voldemort. It's chilling to see Harry so easily trusting Tom, allowing us to see firsthand how Voldemort manipulated and betrayed so many people even in his youth.

There's also floo powder, which LOL, Harry is the worst at using.

Gryffindors Are Brave
but they're also kind of brash and thoughtless. They plunge on without taking stock of all of their options. Sometimes it suits them very well and even saves lives - but other times, like when they steal an enchanted Ford Anglia and fly it into the school's Whomping Willow, it does not. This is seriously a perfect example of foolhardiness a la Gryffindor. I adore McGonagall's first bemused question to the boys: Why didn't you just send us a letter with your owl? Oh. Right. Well...I suppose that would have been an efficient alternative. I'm a Hufflepuff, so maybe I'm biased, but there's a difference between bravery and showboating. Them Gryffindors be crazy.

(SIDE NOTE: This book shows how Ron and Harry have influenced Hermione - that Gryffindor-ness is spreading. It's the first time we see Hermione actively and willingly pursuing rule-breaking. That Polyjuice Potion idea was all hers, and even though she ended up turning herself into a cat, we all love her more for it.)

The Blue Ford Anglia
wins the award for best character, by the way. Hands down. I love Ron's assertion when they come across the car again in the Forbidden Forest: the forest has turned it wild. Major props to Arthur Weasley for a Grade A enchantment on this car-beast that drives in and owns Aragog's entire family and whisks the boys, and Fang, to safety. I love this plot twist more than I can possibly say. It certainly saved Hagrid a lot of grief, because can you imagine how terrible he would have felt if his buddy Aragog and his chillins devoured Ron and Harry? I certainly hope the boys took the time later on to tell Hagrid please don't send humans to hang out with Aragog ever again. That conversation isn't in the books, but I imagine it happened and it was fierce. I also imagine a lot of high-pitched incredulity from Ron. Follow the spiders? FOLLOW THE SPIDERS?

Ultimately I don't know how the Anglia managed to adopt these heroic traits, but its apparent sentience is my favorite thing.

Mandrakes
freak me the heck out, guys. They're like regular babies, who grow up and get acne and throw parties in the greenhouses. You know they're mature when they start trying to fraternize and move into each other's pots! And then they're cut up and used for juice. Does this disturb no one else? Hm?

But okay. All of that aside, Professor Sprout has gotta win something, too. Maybe her and the Anglia are tied for best. Sprout is the one that single-handedly raises the freaky children of the soil and restores all of the petrified students to full health. She's a greenhouse boss.

Although it does strike me as incredibly fortuitous that Sprout happens to have a batch of mandrakes in progress at the beginning of a year when students are petrified and happen to be in need of mandrake juice (BLECH). Is it good fortune, or is it Dumbledore? That is the question.
Mmhmm. I SEE YOU, Dumbledore.

Oh, How the Tides Turn
as soon as you're a Parseltongue. It's amazing how quickly the student body decides to turn on Harry, despite his great deeds to the wizarding world (foiling Voldemort twice already in his young life) and the fact that he's only 12 and relatively new to wizardry as a whole. Rude. I do appreciate that the students that originally blamed Harry for the attacks came back and apologized later. I can respect that. Although Ernie Macmillan is still kind of a dummy.

Probably one of the biggest revelations at the end of this book is that Harry speaks Parseltongue because Voldemort does. Basically it's possible and very likely that Voldemort transferred some of his abilities and powers to Harry when he left him that lightning scar. It's a sliver of information that continues to chisel away at Harry (and the reader) as the books continue. What does this connection really mean? How far does it go?


Having Siblings Challenges You
to be a better person, but sometimes it's also just a challenge. This book contains a lot of sibling dynamics, most of them Weasley oriented of course because there are so many of them.

I cringed every time this book mentioned George and Fred teasing or purposefully scaring Ginny throughout her first year at school. She was having nightmares, and was increasingly distraught over the Chamber attacks (which, in hindsight, poor girl!). The Weasley twins weren't exactly helpful, even though they were ignorant of her real problems. I also cannot stand Percy. Where did he come from? How is he a Weasley? He's the worst.

A book clubber posted on our group page about how touching this particular passage was, when Ron helps Harry change into his pajamas in the hospital wing after Lockhart removes all of the bones from Harry's arm. I never would have thought of it this way, but she was right in saying that this is a very sweet scene. Growing up with Dudley as his single brother-like connection means that the support, kindness and closeness that Harry experiences with Ron, who grew up with a ton of brothers, means more to Harry than Ron would probably ever realize. Harry never had siblings or parents to help him change or care for him when he was injured (or rescue him from a barred window at the Dursleys). This demonstrates a degree of comfort with another person that he's never really known before. It's his first experience with brotherhood.

Lockhart the Grinning Villain
is one of the best examples of people that I love to hate. While his role is endlessly obnoxious, and I echo Harry's dread every time Lockhart shows up, I agree with another HP book clubber who said that he's a very weak, very frustrating person, but is also very funny and not totally unsympathetic. The revelation that he stole the heroic stories from other witches and wizards by wiping their memories isn't all that surprising. But the resulting twist with Ron's backfiring wand, which was broken at the very beginning of the book, is the best. I think Lockhart's end is rather fitting, and I giggle every time I think about him flying, witless, out of the Chamber on the tail of Fawkes the phoenix - Amazing! Amazing! This is just like magic!

Speaking of villains, this book has a lot of them. The obvious is Tom Riddle, an encapsulated 16-year-old Voldemort out to wreak havoc and attack muggle-borns. Then there's Gilderoy Lockhart, and the slimy Lucius Malfoy, who is arguably the real cause of the year's catastrophes. He's the one that owns the diary and sneaks it into poor Ginny's cauldron before school begins. SUPER satisfying to see him thrown back by his own unintentionally freed house elf at the end. His son Draco is equally terrible, rising to new heights of awfulness by targeting Hermione with cruel names and death threats.

(SIDE NOTE: how adorable/sad is it when Ron jumps to Hermione's aid when Draco calls her a mudblood? He ends up spewing slugs for the rest of the chapter for his trouble, but he still deserves a badge for kindness and courage. I lurv him.)

Draco is particularly nasty in this book. We also can't forget the eternally grumpy Argus Filch (how did he get a job there, though, really?) and the horrible Peeves the poltergeist.

For those of you who have only seen the movies, Peeves is new for you! I actually really like him, because he typically only shows up when something interesting is going on. He's not truly on anyone's side, which occasionally makes him an unexpected ally. I kind of secretly enjoy his antics.

BONUS: please tell me someone else noticed that Peeves happened to drop a very large black and gold vanishing cabinet over Filch's office? No spoilers for future books, but...that's how it was broken!!

Loyalty to Dumbledore
comes with some major props. For the most part Dumbledore is a grand mystery, and I always feel like he's just eternally winking because he knows everything but doesn't like to say so, but he always comes through when he's needed. I adore the relationship between Fawkes and Dumbledore. Who knows how they met or how long they've been together. I love the way that Harry meets Fawkes though -- the bird explodes into flame during Harry's very first moments in the headmaster's office. It's hilarious but was probably pretty terrifying for the poor boy. Sir, your bird exploded.

The appearance of Fawkes at Harry's time of need is incredibly important - so is the sword of Gryffindor, of course, because it finally answers the question that has been haunting Harry from the start: should he have been a Slytherin after all? But Dumbledore is king and always drops the wisdom. It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

First of all I want to thank you. You must have shown me great loyalty down in the Chamber. Nothing but that could have called Fawkes to you. 

Dumbledore

Hagrid Deserves Better
than a broken wand and a shattered reputation. I saved this point for last because for me, it's the most egregious. What strikes me is that Hagrid never tells Harry (or anyone, it seems) about what happened in his second, and last, year as a student at Hogwarts. He was wrongfully expelled, and he knows he's innocent, but he accepts his position at Hogwarts and Dumbledore's faith in him to be an acceptable trade off. Hagrid is a good man, but this is very hard for me to believe.

If you are born a wizard, how is it possible that the only chance you have of ever using your magic (which is a part of your identity, it's inseparable from you) is graduating from a magic school? I feel like being expelled shouldn't really be an option. And if it is, you should definitely be able to finish your education somehow. Surely there are tons of silly 11-year-olds that have gotten into trouble and been expelled, but is that really fair to doom them to an entirely magic-less existence?

In this book, this is the second time in 50 years that the Chamber of Secrets has been opened. The Ministry somehow still thinks that Hagrid is to blame, so he's sent to Azkaban prison. Of course the Chamber has nothing to do with him, and eventually the basilisk is killed and the mystery is finally solved for good. My first order of business would be to clear Hagrid's name, not only fetching him (with bowing and scraping and apologies galore) from Azkaban but also granting him a full pardon and giving him his wand back to finish school. He should have hopped right back in as a third year. He could have been Harry's classmate! Why did this not happen. 

Extra Questions:

1. What was your favorite twist? Moaning Myrtle, Ron's wand backfiring on Lockhart (and Dumbledore saying, Oh! Impaled on your own sword, Gilderoy!), Fawkes and the sword of Gryffindor, the Anglia saving them in the forest, Ginny Weasley opening the Chamber, Tom Riddle being Voldemort, slimy Lucius Malfoy owning the diary, Harry freeing Dobby...
2. Who's your least favorite character in CoS, and why? Gilderoy Lockhart, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Moaning Myrtle, Argus Filch, Percy...
3. Why is Draco the worst? Does he honestly want Hermione dead, or is his bark worse than his bite? Did you ever really think he was the Heir of Slytherin?
4. How quickly did you connect the disembodied voice of the Chamber monster with Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue? No wonder no one else could hear it! Also, why couldn't Hermione have at least yelled BASILISK before running off to the library?
5. Do you think Dumbledore purposefully hires Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers that are evil and/or terrible? Maybe he knows they'll somehow challenge Harry to grow as a wizard. He does have a great sense of humor. He totally knows everything that's going on, I'm convinced. He can see through Invisibility Cloaks. I SEE YOU, Mr. Dumbles.

Well, I think that wraps up this month's discussion of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!

Thanks so much for joining us. Share your thoughts below, but be careful of spoilers if it's your first time reading through this series, because there are bound to be a few. If you have read them/seen them before, please try to only respond regarding plot points from this book and avoid series-wide spoilers. Thanks!

The new review will be here on the blog next month, on June 27th, to celebrate both Dobby and the glorious Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom), who share a birthday.

See you then!

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mother's day for all

This Mother's Day I am observing an acute kind of revelation. For me, Mother's Day has never been anything but light, cheerful, loving and celebratory. It has been a holiday solely for my mother. To reward her, in some small way, for her time and love that she has invested in all of us throughout our lives. I have a wonderful mom. She feels deeply but doesn't often show it, she remembers all things and can find anything that's lost, she shows love through gifts of hard work and dedication, and is always loyal, funny and steadfast. I am who I am because of her constant presence in my life, which has always included stellar advice and lots of pedicures. I am thankful for her this Mother's Day and always.

This year, possibly for the first time, my eyes have been more personally opened to a much more complex Mother's Day. Emotions that are both bitter and difficult. Empathies that reach out to a much larger audience of people in the world that may view Mother's Day with something other than lighthearted, celebratory vibes.

I miss Poppy today. My heart and mind is filled with thoughts and pangs for the other women I know (and the many thousands that I do not) that have lost children through miscarriage as well. I fight against the overwhelming sorrow for so many lost dreams and shattered hopes, for the families that should have been. For the broken women that feel so alone, even though there are so many of us that have experienced this loss. My eyes fill with tears as I type, because we often don't get to be celebrated as mothers. We dare to feel like mothers, to miss our children and to grieve their loss daily, but we are the silent moms of children destined to surpass this earth before they even have the chance to breathe in its air. It's the one comfort, really, that they are in heaven before us. But while we wait here without them, today can be a very lonely day.

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I have begun to see, and perhaps better understand, the complexities of Mother's Day for so many of us. For hearts that yearn to be mothers, but have been unable to have that dream realized. For those who have lost their mothers, whose grief is magnified on this day meant to honor them. For children who were abused or abandoned by their mothers. For mothers whose children have passed away, or whose children are far away from them in other ways. For stepmoms and foster moms and adoptive moms. Complexities.

Many of these thoughts were prompted by an email from my cousin, who wrote me the most thoughtful and tender message to let me know that she was thinking of me this Mother's Day. She wanted me to know that my feelings matter, my lost baby matters, I matter. And as I write out all of these thoughts that echo or respond to her message, I feel a strange sense of camaraderie with the world. I feel less alone. We all have mothers, and it's a relationship that defines us all forever. It's a relationship that matters immensely, and whether this day brings joy or pain it is a day that we all feel. Those feelings matter. You are not alone.

Even those of us who have been hurt by mothers or motherhood in some way or another have also been blessed by it. Motherhood is one of the strongest strands of our existence, whether it's directly related to our DNA or not. We observe motherhood daily and see its effects on people, ourselves included. I wrote a post once about us all being velveteen people, made real by love. I suppose that means I am a velveteen mother. It is embedded in my identity now. I am defined not by my loss but by my love.

To the velveteen mothers in my life and beyond, I am thinking of you and your little ones today. I am missing them and looking forward to holding them. If I get to heaven before you, I promise to cover them in kisses. For those who are hurting or remembering or grieving anew, know that your feelings matter, your heart matters, and you are not alone. There is hope and there is healing. I long for you to have the beauty of joy on this Mother's Day. For those that are celebrating mothers and motherhood in all of its forms this morning, God bless you and your beautiful moms, both here and in heaven. We are so blessed to have mothers that have enriched our lives in so many ways.

(I love you mama dearest, you are the most supreme blessing. Happy Mother's Day). 

Happy Mother's Day for all.