hey, girl

There is seriously nothing better than the all-encompassing thrill that comes with true kindred spirit friendship. It's da bomb. It seeps into the cracks of your insecurities and blossoms in the shadows of your true self. You suddenly unwind and get weird and laugh a lot and share too much. There's a level of comfort and rest that exists in that place that is precious and rare. It's a place of peace and girl power. Friendship between women can be one of the most delightful, inspiring, freeing, encouraging, and empowering things on the planet.

But it can also be one of the most depressing things, and I really wish I knew why. Girls can be just plain cruel to each other. You know what I'm talking about, too. I think everyone does. It's a known image - the catty, selfish, b*tchy group of girlfriends that manipulate and degrade each other in a vicious cycle of "friendship". It's the Mean Girls syndrome. We're drawn to it somehow, maybe because our claws are naturally sharp and easily tempted to evil deeds. It's an absolute mystery to me though, especially when genuine love and friendship can completely change your life for the better, forever. 

Now, granted, this isn't entirely exclusive to women - I've seen my husband and other guy friends used and abused by their friends as well, they just go about it differently. I think my husband was often blind to it, because they were just "being guys" and messing around. He was definitely affected by it, but he had always accepted it as the norm. It wasn't until we gained really solid, edifying friends that we were able to take a deep breath and say, see? This is what this is supposed to be like. 

I have no problem with sarcasm - it's actually one of my favorite languages. I think the problem comes when that's all there is. I remember being really confused when I was entering junior high and high school during the trend of best friends calling each other slut and ho-bag and other lovely nicknames. I just didn't get it.

I couldn't bring myself to connect to that type of closeness, because it didn't seem real. Even after high school, when those monikers typically died away, I felt incredibly alone in my desire for kind, loving friends. People I could actually like. (Crazy, right?). I saw a great emptiness in the friendships I knew and eventually began to accept that a friendship like Anne Shirley and Diana Barry's just didn't exist. Hang it up with the other fairy-tales. 

Luckily, I was proven wrong. It took some time, but I feel incredibly fortunate to now have friendships that I cherish and am proud to invest in. Friendship is hard work and there are always ways to be more attentive, more forgiving, more understanding and more intentional. It's worth it because the relationships in your life change you daily. The ones you choose to nurture throughout the course of your life are especially momentous.

Friendship shouldn't be so competitive. Why do we so easily bristle and poke and one-up and belittle? It's this ugly gut reaction when a friend has good news to find some way to redirect the praise and excitement to ourselves, or to ruin their good news by belittling it somehow. We're always fighting the urge to make it about us, to turn inward instead of pour ourselves outward. That immediate WAIT NO MY LIFE IS BETTER is a really stupid inclination to have. Where is the genuine joy when someone experiences something great in their lives? There is so little gratitude and congratulations among friends. Words of affirmation should be insanely rampant, I think. It should be out of control, even. 

Of course, personalities vary and some people are simply less comfortable with endearments, and less likely to communicate vulnerable emotions. Some struggle with affection - I'm actually one of those people. I do not generally enjoy hugs. But there has to be something, right? It's hard to be friends with someone when you honestly don't know whether or not they even like you half the time. By nature, sarcasm is an erosion tool - it can and will begin to chip away at you. You can't live exclusively in that zone forever, it's exhausting! There needs to be a balance, and above all a foundation of love and trust. If the core of the relationship is flippancy and casual meanness, the friendship will die. It probably should die. 

My dream friendship is this. Being unafraid to share a true flaw, because you know they'll help work you through it and point you to better things. Being able to vent and cry and whine while they just listen - and then they'll tell you lovingly that they're on your side even when you're crazy. Trusting them with secrets and memories because they'll never use them to embarrass you. Making big decisions and having incredible news that you can't wait to share with them, because they will be over the moon for you, always. Feeling comfortable with honesty and familiar with thoughtfulness. Knowing that they see you, appreciate you, understand you, love you. 

I think women are fantastic. I'm a little bit biased, but I think we're cool. But I also think we can be really, really scary and mean. We have a lot of power over each other, which is the best and worst thing about us. Let's use that power for good, superwomen. We don't need to travel in packs, doing our best to destroy others to heighten our own weird status of lady royalty. It's an evil cycle I'd love to see end. Everyone is self-conscious, and everyone should have friends. Real ones. I want to be one of those to the women in my life. A genuine source of happiness and light and laughter. Someone my friends are proud to know and love. Not because I'm worthy of it or particularly special, but because I see them, appreciate them, understand them, and love them. That's all it really takes.

Let's hear it for peace and girl power.

long distance blows

It's a crazy part of friendship that for any amount of time, there are people in your life who ARE your life. You count on them for absolutely everything. You wonder how often you can spend time with them before it gets weird. You have actual, sit-down conversations with your spouse (or sometimes even just yourself) about the need to slow down and give them some space. Don't be needy. Don't be too intense. Don't be that guy. 

All I can say is that I'm glad it got weird, even though being apart is now the living worst.

It got weird and that's when things get truly extraordinary. Snowpocalypse sleepovers and Fresh Market picnics, birthday surprises and Mario Party marathons and never-ending group text messages. Weekend trips and late-night stories and new adventures.

It's now officially December which means I'm feeling the feels. The holiday feels. A lot of memories are returning to me of days gone by. Christmas memories from our tiny apartment in Virginia, and of the friends we so dearly miss.

Our friendship with Colinoria (our affectionate nickname for our couple-soulmates Colin and Victoria) was rare. It was fostered under the strangest conditions: living in tiny apartments less than a mile apart while the boys finished up law school. Pre-kids, pre-adulthood, pre-complications. We were in extended college life land. There was work, for sure, and lots of studying. But there was also a lot of play. And through that we were cemented together. Even more so by our uncanny resemblances to one another (me to Colin and Dustin to Victoria). It was straight-up crazy at times, and I think we were all dumbfounded at various points by our great luck at somehow finding each other in this mad world.

Long distance is one of those sucky situations that is often most lamented when it involves romantic couples. But the struggle is real for everyone. Family, friends, loved ones. The world is filled with beautiful people and if you happen to meet kindred spirits on the other side of the country (or world), you're going to have to prepare yourself for the lifelong ache that is long distance. 

Here are my grandiose ideas for surviving a long-distance best friendship:

1. Contact.
This is what group messages are for. Also, these new voice texts have been a life-saver for me because I hate the telephone. But calling is good too. So is FaceTime or Skype. Stay in touch!
(Duh-doy).

2. Gifts.
Maybe you don't have money, but you actually do. You have enough to send something, anything, in the mail. It's important. Maybe more so for a person like me whose love language involves gifts, but it's important nonetheless. Find silly things to send and it maintains those fun little surprises that you were able to create when you lived in the same city. Instead of stopping by with cupcakes, you can send them a letter or a Starbucks card when they're having a rough week. It's a sweet gesture that's inexpensive and incredibly thoughtful, especially when the dominant means of communication today is a never-ending group text (which, as I've already demonstrated, I fully support). Think outside the box.

3. Don't forget the little things.
You lose a lot when you lose the little things. The little things are the tiny threads that begin to pull apart the entire knit sweater of a relationship. They're the ways you used to connect in person because you saw each other almost every day so you shared even the silliest stories with one another. Bring them into your jokes and daily interactions that make you laugh and cry. Tell them about your boss's weird laugh or that super embarrassing doctor visit. Be vulnerable, be real.

4. Reminisce, but not too much.
One of the greatest detriments of long distance is that it naturally prevents growth. Unless you work hard to keep moving forward. Long distance keeps you apart and living in the past, because that's when you were last together. Talking about favorite memories is a wonderful way to connect, but make sure the focus is staying connected to where your lives are going. Walk with them from afar.

5. Have a shared interest.
This summer it was Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson. All four of us read it (and the sequel) and talked about it incessantly. It was such a fun way to participate in something as a group. We used to have weekly TV nights for shows like New Girl and Sleepy Hollow, so having something we can still do "together" is really nice.

6. Visit each other. 
This is the hardest part, because now that we're all working and paying off our student loans, money is tight and time off is sparse. But just like anything else, you make it a priority. You save and you make it happen. It has been six months and two weeks since the four of us were together, and we're beginning to plan the first of many visits! It's probably the most crucial part of a long distance relationship, because you put your money where your priorities are. For a while that top priority will be paying off our debt - but we'll keep fitting money between the cracks to keep this friendship alive.

Because it got weird, and it got great, and it's worth everything.

Long distance blows. (But it's worth it).

archives: a cat lady musing

circa 1990

This past week I posted this rather fantastic photo, one of my favorites from my baby years. I've always loved animals, and this picture is definitely proof of that. I gravitate to where the creatures are. 

(Unless they're sea creatures, because no). 

I thought I'd go ahead and reach back and re-post an edited version of an old cat lady post, dedicated to my love for the furry beasts. This week's archive. Enjoy!

I simply can't resist a cat, particularly a purring one.

They are the cleanest, cunningest, and most intelligent things I know, 

outside of the girl you love, of course.

- Mark Twain

I have a feeling that Mark Twain and I would have gotten along quite fine. Bosom friend status.

There's something about the cat-less population that I find quite sad. The cat-hater is typically a person that is missing something lovely, something like a cuddly spirit, a purity of heart, an affectionate nature. A soul.

The world needs its harshness, of course, but I find it hard to imagine dealing with it without a furry friend to guide the comfort levels of your home. 

A home without a cat -- and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat --

may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

- Mark Twain

I am sensitive, affectionate, romantic, loyal, devoted, warmhearted, friendly. And I am a cat lover.

Or am I those things as a result of loving cats?

World-changing questions.

I find myself changed by their sweetness, calmed by their presence, soothed by their tired, sleepy grins.

Happy to care for them, happy to be with them. 

I had a friend recently say that if and when we are able to care for them the way we do, vet bills and messes and all, we are good stewards. It made me smile and I think in most cases that's true.

What an odd little gift they are, such strange little creatures, like having my very own pokemon.

I can never fully put my trust in someone who hates cats. (I am also inconsolably sad for those who are deathly allergic). The cat-loving world is like the best of secret societies, really -- you hide your adoration, knowing in your heart that 1.) others will never truly understand 2.) you have something precious that they cannot have 3.) you're not alone in the world.

 When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade,

without further introduction.

- Mark Twain

You pass by cat-related merchandise and point and laugh, or show your friends, secretly knowing if they weren't there you'd probably make it all the way to the cash register with it before realizing you could never wear it in public anyway, because people would shun you.

You are unnaturally thrilled that cat sweaters and graphic Ts have become a somewhat quirky exception in the fashion world, allowing you to partake in cat-attire. (Cattire?). 

How much is too much? The cat lady will never know.

I do know that my life has been measured by the constant embellishment of animal interaction. Sweet little souls within beings that make me laugh and cry. 

Every home I've ever lived in has had cats. They have been my accessories of life and activity and playfulness. 

It's how I was raised, how I love to live, and how I live to love.

The wide-eyed way in which I take in the world, and come home to the purrs of a day well spent.

Mark loved cats...and pool, or pocket billiards. 

Whenever he played pool, he'd tuck a pet kitten into a corner pocket. The antics of the cat as it pawed at passing balls amused and relaxed Mark Twain...sent him back in high spirits to write the stories that endeared him to all.

Americans today have the same shrewd understanding that one relaxed moment 

helps you work and fight harder.

- Royal Crown Cola ad, 1940s 

(original post)

a toast to best friends: homemade scoops and cinnamon rolls

me and my bff: the era of awesome

Let's be honest: there is nothing as wonderful as best friends.

The story of best friendship is epic and everlasting, it's tragic and it's beautiful, it's tormented and resilient. It's full of jokes and memories and victories and confessions.
Best friendship, in many ways, is what a romance should be -- through those trials and tribulations, you have each other's back. It's a relationship that lasts. For life.

Which is probably why I took it so hard when a beautiful little show called (appropriately) Best Friends Forever was cancelled by NBC last year, after a measly 6 episodes. Measly but potent, meaningful, sweet, wonderful, friendly.

I think one of the reasons it resonated with me and my BFF so much was that the show highlighted everything about our lives and our relationship. Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair created this show from deep within their own real-life best friendship, and it totally showed.
It was a show that focused on the love, rather than the cattiness, the mean-girlness, and the backhanded "joking" that comedies so often use when illustrating the friendships of women. It was truly about being there for each other, being honest with one another, loving each other, and going through the best and the worst of times...together. 

If I could have a chance to write a note of goodbye, one last tribute to this show, it would probably go something like this:

Dear BFF,

My Wolverines chair has been deflated ever since you left. 
I've felt like nothing but a baby -- a DUMB DUMB BABY -- without you in my life. Remember the good times? The homemade scoops, the hot cashew breath, the steely mags. 
It all had to end, Fatal Blowout style, because the seats were a bit distant from the stage and people like short bangs cause they're broken in the head and LeRoi LeBaller isn't a real critic. 
I meant what I said, that where you go, I follow.
But ignore the butt dials, and my confessions of wearing swimsuit bottoms (which is unhealthy, those trap moisture), and the day-long baths with my Lilith Fair double disc. 
Because here it is: it's time to get out of these sad khakis. To get back to my fighting weight. To put a pin in the cinnamon rolls, cinch that waist, and move on. 
Maybe to a candle shop in the birkshires, or to a restaurant where I can serve up sweet meats and cougaritas. It's time for me to have a life of razzle-dazzle, to have my moment in the sun. To be the Braveheart of my own story, to tell the sons and daughters of Scotland that they are free!

Thanks for everything, though. Done and done. We're all in the tub now. 
I love you guys.

Caitlin


If you didn't understand a word of that, invest a few hours to watch those treasured 6 episodes and you'll be up to speed.

The bright side and the good news of this entire thing is that Lennon and Jessica are still BFFs, and they're still going strong. And the really good news? After waiting and wishing and hoping, they have created a brand new show for us which just premiered last week!
It's called Playing House, and centers around Maggie (played by Lennon) and Emma (played by Jessica).
Emma leaves her prestigious career in China to move back to her tiny hometown to be with her very-pregnant best friend Maggie, who is going through a devastating separation from her husband.
Along with a host of other fantastic characters (and some gnomes), they will be figuring out how to raise a baby together in this delightful comedy about life and love and facing your hometown demons.

The new episode airs tonight on USA, 10/9c. Give best friendship a chance.