hey, girl

There is seriously nothing better than the all-encompassing thrill that comes with true kindred spirit friendship. It's da bomb. It seeps into the cracks of your insecurities and blossoms in the shadows of your true self. You suddenly unwind and get weird and laugh a lot and share too much. There's a level of comfort and rest that exists in that place that is precious and rare. It's a place of peace and girl power. Friendship between women can be one of the most delightful, inspiring, freeing, encouraging, and empowering things on the planet.

But it can also be one of the most depressing things, and I really wish I knew why. Girls can be just plain cruel to each other. You know what I'm talking about, too. I think everyone does. It's a known image - the catty, selfish, b*tchy group of girlfriends that manipulate and degrade each other in a vicious cycle of "friendship". It's the Mean Girls syndrome. We're drawn to it somehow, maybe because our claws are naturally sharp and easily tempted to evil deeds. It's an absolute mystery to me though, especially when genuine love and friendship can completely change your life for the better, forever. 

Now, granted, this isn't entirely exclusive to women - I've seen my husband and other guy friends used and abused by their friends as well, they just go about it differently. I think my husband was often blind to it, because they were just "being guys" and messing around. He was definitely affected by it, but he had always accepted it as the norm. It wasn't until we gained really solid, edifying friends that we were able to take a deep breath and say, see? This is what this is supposed to be like. 

I have no problem with sarcasm - it's actually one of my favorite languages. I think the problem comes when that's all there is. I remember being really confused when I was entering junior high and high school during the trend of best friends calling each other slut and ho-bag and other lovely nicknames. I just didn't get it.

I couldn't bring myself to connect to that type of closeness, because it didn't seem real. Even after high school, when those monikers typically died away, I felt incredibly alone in my desire for kind, loving friends. People I could actually like. (Crazy, right?). I saw a great emptiness in the friendships I knew and eventually began to accept that a friendship like Anne Shirley and Diana Barry's just didn't exist. Hang it up with the other fairy-tales. 

Luckily, I was proven wrong. It took some time, but I feel incredibly fortunate to now have friendships that I cherish and am proud to invest in. Friendship is hard work and there are always ways to be more attentive, more forgiving, more understanding and more intentional. It's worth it because the relationships in your life change you daily. The ones you choose to nurture throughout the course of your life are especially momentous.

Friendship shouldn't be so competitive. Why do we so easily bristle and poke and one-up and belittle? It's this ugly gut reaction when a friend has good news to find some way to redirect the praise and excitement to ourselves, or to ruin their good news by belittling it somehow. We're always fighting the urge to make it about us, to turn inward instead of pour ourselves outward. That immediate WAIT NO MY LIFE IS BETTER is a really stupid inclination to have. Where is the genuine joy when someone experiences something great in their lives? There is so little gratitude and congratulations among friends. Words of affirmation should be insanely rampant, I think. It should be out of control, even. 

Of course, personalities vary and some people are simply less comfortable with endearments, and less likely to communicate vulnerable emotions. Some struggle with affection - I'm actually one of those people. I do not generally enjoy hugs. But there has to be something, right? It's hard to be friends with someone when you honestly don't know whether or not they even like you half the time. By nature, sarcasm is an erosion tool - it can and will begin to chip away at you. You can't live exclusively in that zone forever, it's exhausting! There needs to be a balance, and above all a foundation of love and trust. If the core of the relationship is flippancy and casual meanness, the friendship will die. It probably should die. 

My dream friendship is this. Being unafraid to share a true flaw, because you know they'll help work you through it and point you to better things. Being able to vent and cry and whine while they just listen - and then they'll tell you lovingly that they're on your side even when you're crazy. Trusting them with secrets and memories because they'll never use them to embarrass you. Making big decisions and having incredible news that you can't wait to share with them, because they will be over the moon for you, always. Feeling comfortable with honesty and familiar with thoughtfulness. Knowing that they see you, appreciate you, understand you, love you. 

I think women are fantastic. I'm a little bit biased, but I think we're cool. But I also think we can be really, really scary and mean. We have a lot of power over each other, which is the best and worst thing about us. Let's use that power for good, superwomen. We don't need to travel in packs, doing our best to destroy others to heighten our own weird status of lady royalty. It's an evil cycle I'd love to see end. Everyone is self-conscious, and everyone should have friends. Real ones. I want to be one of those to the women in my life. A genuine source of happiness and light and laughter. Someone my friends are proud to know and love. Not because I'm worthy of it or particularly special, but because I see them, appreciate them, understand them, and love them. That's all it really takes.

Let's hear it for peace and girl power.

long distance blows

It's a crazy part of friendship that for any amount of time, there are people in your life who ARE your life. You count on them for absolutely everything. You wonder how often you can spend time with them before it gets weird. You have actual, sit-down conversations with your spouse (or sometimes even just yourself) about the need to slow down and give them some space. Don't be needy. Don't be too intense. Don't be that guy. 

All I can say is that I'm glad it got weird, even though being apart is now the living worst.

It got weird and that's when things get truly extraordinary. Snowpocalypse sleepovers and Fresh Market picnics, birthday surprises and Mario Party marathons and never-ending group text messages. Weekend trips and late-night stories and new adventures.

It's now officially December which means I'm feeling the feels. The holiday feels. A lot of memories are returning to me of days gone by. Christmas memories from our tiny apartment in Virginia, and of the friends we so dearly miss.

Our friendship with Colinoria (our affectionate nickname for our couple-soulmates Colin and Victoria) was rare. It was fostered under the strangest conditions: living in tiny apartments less than a mile apart while the boys finished up law school. Pre-kids, pre-adulthood, pre-complications. We were in extended college life land. There was work, for sure, and lots of studying. But there was also a lot of play. And through that we were cemented together. Even more so by our uncanny resemblances to one another (me to Colin and Dustin to Victoria). It was straight-up crazy at times, and I think we were all dumbfounded at various points by our great luck at somehow finding each other in this mad world.

Long distance is one of those sucky situations that is often most lamented when it involves romantic couples. But the struggle is real for everyone. Family, friends, loved ones. The world is filled with beautiful people and if you happen to meet kindred spirits on the other side of the country (or world), you're going to have to prepare yourself for the lifelong ache that is long distance. 

Here are my grandiose ideas for surviving a long-distance best friendship:

1. Contact.
This is what group messages are for. Also, these new voice texts have been a life-saver for me because I hate the telephone. But calling is good too. So is FaceTime or Skype. Stay in touch!
(Duh-doy).

2. Gifts.
Maybe you don't have money, but you actually do. You have enough to send something, anything, in the mail. It's important. Maybe more so for a person like me whose love language involves gifts, but it's important nonetheless. Find silly things to send and it maintains those fun little surprises that you were able to create when you lived in the same city. Instead of stopping by with cupcakes, you can send them a letter or a Starbucks card when they're having a rough week. It's a sweet gesture that's inexpensive and incredibly thoughtful, especially when the dominant means of communication today is a never-ending group text (which, as I've already demonstrated, I fully support). Think outside the box.

3. Don't forget the little things.
You lose a lot when you lose the little things. The little things are the tiny threads that begin to pull apart the entire knit sweater of a relationship. They're the ways you used to connect in person because you saw each other almost every day so you shared even the silliest stories with one another. Bring them into your jokes and daily interactions that make you laugh and cry. Tell them about your boss's weird laugh or that super embarrassing doctor visit. Be vulnerable, be real.

4. Reminisce, but not too much.
One of the greatest detriments of long distance is that it naturally prevents growth. Unless you work hard to keep moving forward. Long distance keeps you apart and living in the past, because that's when you were last together. Talking about favorite memories is a wonderful way to connect, but make sure the focus is staying connected to where your lives are going. Walk with them from afar.

5. Have a shared interest.
This summer it was Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson. All four of us read it (and the sequel) and talked about it incessantly. It was such a fun way to participate in something as a group. We used to have weekly TV nights for shows like New Girl and Sleepy Hollow, so having something we can still do "together" is really nice.

6. Visit each other. 
This is the hardest part, because now that we're all working and paying off our student loans, money is tight and time off is sparse. But just like anything else, you make it a priority. You save and you make it happen. It has been six months and two weeks since the four of us were together, and we're beginning to plan the first of many visits! It's probably the most crucial part of a long distance relationship, because you put your money where your priorities are. For a while that top priority will be paying off our debt - but we'll keep fitting money between the cracks to keep this friendship alive.

Because it got weird, and it got great, and it's worth everything.

Long distance blows. (But it's worth it).

birthday! {frocktober, day 4+5}

Saturday was a day for sweet treats, napping and celebrations.
My best friend from college came down with her little boy to visit for my birthday weekend, which was such a blast! It's one of the great blessings of being back on the west coast. We went to college in California so we're much closer to all of our loved ones in that state!
On Saturday morning we went up to meet my sister-in-law and nephew for a fun little brunch, complete with macarons. I love macarons. She gifted me a dozen of them from this little bakery for my birthday, and even though I originally vowed to make them last, I only have 2 left!

When we got back to the house we rested for a little while (recovering from our s'mores hangover), then we headed out to celebrate my little niece Annabella's second birthday! Her and I are the October bebes. Which is fitting, since her middle name is Caitlin, too! (Side story: instantly burst into tears when they announced what her name would be - almost swerved off the road due to tear-vision). 

Sunday was the official beginning of my 26th year. It has begun. 

To be totally honest, I was in a bit of a funk. I think it was a combination of ending my year of being 25, my friend leaving to go back home, my fatigue (I took a 3-hour nap - s'more hangovers can be really long-winded), and the overall uncertainty of this next year of our lives. 

I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a lover of adventure, and that I am blessed beyond measure. It seems unfair that our tendency is to forget and grow accustomed to the great blessings of our lives. Disaster and tragedy have to occur before we remember to gather together, fellowship, compliment, cherish, edify. 

It's one of the reasons people forget God and feel rather confident that they have no need for Him. This world is a rather talented foe at encouraging greed, dissatisfaction and selfishness.  

I love birthdays and I adore silliness and simple pleasures and my morning coffee and presents of all shapes and sizes. I tend to like things, but they're not the intricate matters of life. At the end of the day, as I enter these late-twenties and realize the increasing speediness of each year, I am so grateful for this little life and everything it means to me and my loved ones. I am loved and I love back. I have two cats that purr and frolic and make messes and make me laugh heartily all the time. I have Arizona sunsets and sweet friends and parents that love each other. I have three brothers that I will love for all time, and surrogate sisters that have graced my life with girlishness and encouragement and love. I have my darling husband who laughs, cries, praises, rejoices, challenges, surprises, and delights. He and I will be hand-in-hand for the rest of our days, praising God all the way because all of these things are His. Big picture. 

So grateful for the gifts. 

why we camp

When I was little our family would prepare for "family camp" every spring. All of my aunts and uncles and cousins would pack up their trucks and campers and my grandparents would hop in their RV and we'd all meet somewhere around the border of Arizona and California for a full weekend of endless play. 

The sun was hot, the water was cool, the inner-tube was called Big Bertha and our sunburns were our constant companions. The war wounds of a childhood summer. 

We'd hike and discover and get oh so dirty, we'd stay far away from the grassy bit of marsh that was rumored to house snapping turtles. We'd definitely stay away from strangers (but maybe we'd giggle at the cute ones), and we would build elaborate sandcastles in between begging for our turn on the jet ski. 

Our little group campsite was packed with tents. The boys would absolutely try to sneak up on the girl tents and try to scare us. They needn't bother, though, because generally we were quite talented at scaring ourselves. 

I remember carefully packing my belongings, which included a bathing suit, various comfy clothes and my walkman, the only technology I possessed at the time. It held Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On because obviously that was the ballad of my life. Listen, repeat. Listen, repeat. 

Wait there's a repeat button? My walkman is so fancy!

On Labor Day, my husband and I planned out our very first camping trip together. It brought back a lot of memories. I hadn't been camping since those sweet summer days of childhood.

To our great shock and appall, we couldn't get anyone to come camping with us. Nobody likes camping! Where are all the free spirits? Where is the nostalgia? Is camping something people outgrow?

Luckily we roped in my little brother and a couple from our church who would join us halfway through the weekend, but we still felt pretty discouraged. Camping is an American pastime. It's brilliant and wild and free and unplugged. It's also so easy, right? At least, that's how I remember it. 

Needless to say, it was quite different as an adult. Wait, camping costs money? Why in the sam hill does this tent refuse to function? What is all this stuff? What does "percolator" mean? 

Despite the little challenges and our multiple whoops-es and moments of dear lord we need to write our parents a thank you letter, I am a firm believer in camping and chasing out that wild heart in us. 

This is why we camp, ya'll.

1. COMMUNITY

Even as an introvert I absolutely love group gatherings. I prefer smaller ones, of course, but there's something incredibly refreshing about joining together with people you love over a meal. 

Camping is just a string of days connected by meals. How about we wake up and have breakfast? How about we laze around until lunch? How about we eat an entire bag of chips while we dream about dinner? Don't forget to snack on this granola while you collect more firewood. 

It's just a dreamy commune. You cook the baked beans, I'll do the dishes. Togetherness, camping style. Let me spray your back with bug spray! Oh, it's my pleasure!

The entire experience is dappled with groups of other families, too. You can sit around your fire and hear the distant giggling of children (which sounds a bit creepy, but really, it's delightful), and catch wisps of your neighbor's Latin music across the trees. Everyone doing their thang, separate but together in the joys of weekend bliss. 

2. HAMMOCKS

Holy happy body cradle, hammocks are amazing. My husband is an angel and found this striped hippy hammock for $20 at Walmart. 

I feel as if my years of life have slowly erased the unadulterated joy of hammocks from my memory until this year. We were reunited and it all came rushing back. I want a hammock in every room of my house. Sure, they're hazardous. Sure, the ropes can slip off the tree and you can fall flat on your back (just ask my brother), but I promise you they are doing their darndest to make your life a friggin' fairyland. Lie back in your cocoon, little one, let the sunshine lull you right to sleep. 

3. FRESH AIR

Don't try and tell me you don't enjoy fresh air. Nobody walks out their front door on a beautiful day and says, GROSS! AIR! GAH!

I hate when people say "I don't really enjoy the outdoors". Okay, ya hermit, the world doesn't like you either. Go back inside lest you die from blue skies and sunshine.

Camping doesn't have to be hiking and paddle-boating and running around in circles just for the heck of sweating like a barbarian. I like camping best if it involves no exercise. It's totally an option. It's an option I demand, actually. Because hammocks. 

4. HEAR ME ROAR

Perhaps the best part of camping is that it's rather rewarding. There are so many opportunities for creativity and innovation. Like my husband's hand-washing station (a family ingenuity), which was constructed using a gallon jug of water, a golf tee, some hosiery, and a bar of soap. You poke a hole in the front of the jug using the golf tee as a plug, then plop the bar of soap in the hose and hang it from the jug handle. Then you tie the entire jug at face-height around a tree. Unplug, rinse, lather, rinse, plug. 

Cleanliness is the most exquisite of camping accomplishments. 

When you finally do get that tent up, it is the best darn tent in the universe. Camping is just like creating an awesome blanket fort in your living room, but it's outside and actually habitable for days. Your amateur 5-year-old self is so jealous. All those homey touches and hard-earned adjustments have swelled you with pride. That tarp ceiling perfectly shades the card table. That clan of spiders plotting your demise under the stone benches didn't stand a chance against that flaming stick.

When you sit down to eat that fire-cooked meal, you are king. When you close your eyes and can smell nothing but earthy smoke and roasting marshmallows, life has never been sweeter. 

In the cool evenings your sweatshirt is your best friend, your makeshift bed is a cozy hideaway of s'more-filled dreams, and your campsite is a place of ragged victory. 

5. WILD AND FREE AND FIRE

There is no dress code. You forego makeup (if you want to), you don a weathered baseball cap, you unplug, sticking the phone in your suitcase and replacing it with a great book. No pressures, no deadlines, no expectations. You chat and laugh and play board games. You brush your teeth because this isn't prison, guys, it's just a woodsy weekend.
Lookout because I'm gonna drop some knowledge. Unplugging is one of the most incredible gifts we can give to ourselves, our friends and our family. I'll refrain from saying "in this day and age" but you know what I'm sayin' up in here. Put the phones away, make it up as you go along, tear yourself away from Google for a sec and try to answer a few questions by yourself.
Bring out your inner caveman and throw the corn straight on the fire. Eat 517 s'mores because it's good for your heart (not true) and soul (definitely true). Don't let s'mores become obsolete, youngins.
Go on a journey to find the stars and think of stories you haven't told in a really, really long time. Reconnect and recharge and be wild and free and fire.

It's why we camp.

postcards from california

A quick look at our little Californian adventure.

We arrived late Friday night, as it took a couple more hours to get there than normal, due to some strange traffic and construction. We were staying with Dustin's brother and sister-in-law, who just moved to Long Beach from San Diego! Danny and Erin are expecting a baby boy this October, so they're currently living with her parents until their new house is ready. 

We went to Trump International, walking along the golf course and hiking down to the beach. It was a bit muggy and overcast, but beautiful. We grabbed fish tacos for lunch in the sketchiest of all neighborhoods, fearing for our lives when a set of firecrackers went off. I think they must play that trick a lot. Dustin ducked to the side like a pro, but I'll mention that he did not try to save me from the faux-bullets. 

After that we went back to the house to get ready! That evening we were renting a Duffy boat for a few hours, to eat out on the water and toast to Dustin finishing the bar exam. A few other couple friends of ours drove out to join us, which was so much fun. We ate our gourmet hand-chosen dinners from Gelson's supermarket and chatted. It had been a long time since we were able to visit all together! All three girls were bridesmaids in my wedding, so it's always fun to look back over the course of our marriage and see how much everything has changed for everyone. I'm so glad they're still in my life.

After the Duffy boat ride a few of us went back to the house and relaxed in the hot tub in the backyard, and then ate some ice cream in front of the fireplace! Our friends then had to drive back home, so the four of us got in our pjs and slept like babies. It was the perfect day.

Sunday morning they took us to The Hangout for brunch at Seal Beach, then took a few minutes to walk along the pier. We had a long drive ahead of us, so we said goodbye to Danny and Erin and headed towards Riverside! Dustin and I went to CBU for college, so we couldn't help stopping by for some quick reminiscing. We went by our old apartments, walking hand-in-hand as we took in everything that has changed since we went to school there. It was pretty overwhelming!

We actually got stopped by a campus policeman, who apparently thought we were pretty fishy, taking photos and laughing and sighing at everything. I think he thought we were dangerously emotional. 

We grabbed some much-needed Starbucks and hopped over to Redlands to see my cousins, who just moved into a gorgeous new home (actually, into a gorgeous old home). 

It was such a fantastic weekend. Even though it took us a freakish 8 hours to get there, and almost 9 to get home (more weird traffic/construction/storm damage), it was well worth the drive. We love California!