fall is here: frocktober recap

Autumn is...

birthday month pumpkin spice cutesie baby pajamas decorating hay rides kettle corn weekend trips sweater weather burnt orange scarves plaid changing leaves crisp mornings harvest festivals the state fair thanksgiving fireside evenings pumpkin patches pumpkin everything s'mores camping apple cider harry potter butterbeer baby's first halloween movie nights scented candles couch cuddles 

tights & boots spices hot drinks cozy socks caramel golden days

And... it's Frocktober. 

Oh, how I love this season. I am so excited to introduce William to all of the wonderful things about Fall. I know he won't remember his first Fall in the world, but I sure will. We're planning his first Halloween costume, we've decorated the house in Fall leaves and pumpkins, and we've had Autumnal candles burning for weeks now. I took him to his first pumpkin patch and I bought as many Octoberesque things I could find during Old Navy's baby sale. I just love this month. 

Of course, over the past few years this blog has been all about Frocktober. The collage above is a little recap of last year's Frocktober dresses. It was by far my favorite year to date. I had so much fun going through my closet to find things that could work as maternity wear, and being pregnant in the Fall and Winter is the best. Sweaters and leggings galore! 

I haven't officially posted anything about it here on the blog (I've obviously been a bit lax on here since Will was born), but I've decided not to do Frocktober this year. I still love it. But as it came closer, I realized that the thought of it was causing more stress than excitement. I am enjoying being a mom so very much, and my daily uniform is random and messy and wonderful. I want to focus this October on the many Fall firsts of my little boy. I know I will eventually get back to my creative style, but for now my heart is elsewhere.

For those of you who don't know about my Frocktober, you can read more about it here. As I said, the collage above is my Frocktober 2015 challenge. You can also check out 2014, 2013 and 2012. My main motivation for participating in Frocktober has always been to challenge myself to find new purpose and appreciation for what I already have - avoiding shopping for the month and bringing new creative life to my dresses and other accessories. It has been so much fun having other ladies join me in the challenge - the Frocktober Sisterhood is my favorite. If you'd ever like to join (it's not too late!) my challenge to you for the rest of October is to not only be creative and innovative with your existing closet, but to also try to avoid purchasing new clothes. Think outside the box. Have a clothes swap with friends, or go thrifting, or consider using your clothes budget to purchase from a company that gives back - like Krochet Kids intl. or another cause that really speaks to you. Take the month to be intentional with what you wear and how you wear it. It's such a great challenge and I have always had a blast doing it. 

I am hoping to still do a few special style posts this month in honor of Frocktober, perhaps on some great nursing mom dress options. I hope you all have a superb October, and enjoy all of the best things about this season!

#frocktobersisterhood

maternity photoshoot!

My husband surprised me with a little maternity photoshoot for my birthday this year, which was the perfect gift. He contacted our wedding photographer (see our wedding and trash the dress photos!), Rilie of Rilie Dee Photography. It was the perfect choice to reunite with her for these maternity photos. She has captured so many precious moments for us! Our wedding color was that wonderful shamrock green, so I had to incorporate it here as well. We also threw in some Harry Potter books and a few subtle nods to adventure and travel, which will undoubtedly be incorporated into Will's nursery (and life). This is such a fantastic time in our lives, and I'm so thankful to have these photos of Dustin and I to commemorate it. I'm sure these will be the first pictures we'll print and frame for our new home, followed shortly by photos of a wriggly baby boy. Enjoy a few of my favorite shots from our photoshoot, all thanks to Rilie!

pregnancy brain

I had always heard people talk about "pregnancy brain", and honestly, I kind of thought it was made up. That maybe women were just acting a little more ditsy to be cute or funny. (Sorry, women). But nay, once again, I have been proven wrong in all things pregnancy related. Pregnancy brain is real. It's why I say things like "the head bone" instead of skull. Or why it takes me about 27 seconds to finish my sentence with a simple thing or place like laundry room. It feels like I'm inventing these words. I swear, they didn't exist 2 minutes ago. I am bringing them into the English language for the first time, which is why it's taking me so long to speak.

Those aren't the only proofs of "pregnancy brain" in my daily life. I think the workings of my brain are forever altered. In a very real way, my heart and mind are changing. Aspects of selfishness and fear are chipping away. When I'm faced with the fear of giving birth for the first time before this year is over, instead of cowering in a corner (which has been my normal response for the past 10 years), I'm filled with an overwhelming determination to meet my baby boy. Because it's no longer all about me. He's here now. I know him, and he knows me. He's not some distant future idea, he's a person. He's my person. It's so weird but it's real and it's powerful. No matter what it takes, I'm going to be there for him. He and I are suddenly a team, and I am no longer alone or afraid.

When I look at myself in the mirror and see the distortions and changes in my body glaring back at me, instead of crying in loss, I find myself crying in joy at the freedom I feel from no longer having to force myself into some non-existent state of perfection. Suck that stomach in, shave everywhere, get a tan, buy a padded bra, get that body bikini-ready.

I think back to the day I found my first stretch marks, sobbing against my husband as he said, "Hey - can I tell you something? When we were just kids in high school, this is the you that I wanted."

These are the important things. I'm more vain than I ever thought I was. How little the body matters. It all fades away. It's the life, the soul, the living. Right now, I'm letting my belly lead the way. I run into things with it sometimes. And drop food and coffee on it alarmingly often. But I'm healthier than I've been in ages. I feel very intentionally and purposefully me. I'm growing a human. I never have to wear a bikini again. I'm going to wear maternity pants for the rest of my life because normal pants are stupid and uncomfortable, and maternity jeans are like wearing butter. I'm able to look at myself and see and feel this resounding truth that life actually isn't all about me. I can let go. Pregnancy is a sanctification process. So is motherhood. Hallelujah.

I don't think anyone would hesitate to have a baby if they could somehow feel what it's like to have their little human dancing around within them. It's impossible to explain. It's a foreign language until it's yours. All I know is that when the jumping drumbeats of his life wake me up at night, I'm never mad. I can never tire of those midnight conversations. These past few months have eaten away at the deepest parts of me and made room for new growth in every direction, full of all of these thoughts and bits of understanding that I couldn't possibly fathom before. That nebulous and universal mystery, the pregnancy brain. It's real.

reasons to panic

My best friend bought me this incredibly appropriate journal, 100 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby: A Journal for the Knocked Up. Every few days I jot a few thoughts down, sometimes happy and anticipatory, sometimes more of the freak-out variety. At the bottom of each page is a totally valid reason to panic (ie: I'll think my baby is ugly) and an encouraging or humorous response (ie: if you spent 9 months cooped up in a small, dark space you'd be looking pretty rough, too. It'll get cuter).

My entries in this journal have jumped from describing my total breakdown when I discovered my first stretch marks, to documenting the incredible joy of our gender reveal and the overwhelming love I already feel for our little boy. Will. Saying his name is really weird and wonderful. The truth is, there really are 100 reasons to panic about having a baby. Maybe even more. For me, a ton of those reasons have to do with becoming a mom. How can I possibly prepare for such a role?

20 weeks! 

The answer, and I think many other moms will agree, is that I can't. Most of the preparations I allow myself at this point are just to make me feel better, but no matter what we do we'll be flying quite ungracefully by the seat of our pants.

Hallelujah. I find that to be rather freeing. I can take a breath when I go over my 13+ pages of recommended registry items and remind myself that last-minute runs to Target are always an option. I can trust that the stroller I choose will be totally fine. I can expect to encounter those vain moments of panic about my body's changes and the fears and insecurities I'm often confronted with. I can pretty confidently say that I will continue putting diapers on backwards. I can smile and nod at the sometimes unpleasant advice of other parents and remain firmly in the camp of Say No to Mom Wars. 

The realization I came to on Wednesday, when I had the rather sobering thought that at 20 weeks I am halfway to having a baby, is that William won't know the difference between an amateur mom and an expert one. Maybe there really isn't such a thing as an expert mom because children keep things crazy. It's part of their purpose and identity. Children are the delightful labyrinths of life. I am Will's mom, his one and only silly flawed loving mom. We were made for each other. We're literally sharing a body; he's camped out beneath my heart, making his presence known. We're in this together. I don't need to put pressure on myself to jump 100 steps ahead - every single mother on earth starts right here.

Right here, feeling the little belly kisses of their boy or girl, wondering what they'll be like and how life will change. Right here, registering for things they've never even heard of. Right here, experiencing physical and emotional changes that take them completely by surprise. Right here, scared of labor, hoping for the best, anxious to see their baby's face, hoping their baby is cute, knowing they'll love them anyway.

Right here is a pretty great place to start.

gender reveal!

Last Wednesday we had our long-awaited ultrasound to see our sweet baby for the first time. We've heard baby's heartbeat at almost every appointment, which is such a breathtaking sound, but this was our first experience seeing the silhouette of that little face. Let me tell you, it's weird. Watching a movie of your innards. I can't get over how bizarre pregnancy is. I always struggle to find the right words to explain the strange exhilaration that overtakes you at each step. 

We decided to have a gender reveal party on Friday, so we had to wait two whole days to find out if we were having a Phoebe or a Phoebo. We gave the secret-holding envelope to my bestie Becky, and she reveled in the power she suddenly held over us. She would be the new head of the Department of Mysteries, which mainly consisted of silly-string buying, decor-making and snack-preparing. She's the best.

Instagram post 1 / 2

I thought it would be fun and easy to plan a gender reveal party. I was very wrong about myself. Apparently preparing to find out the gender of your child is a little bit more stressful than I thought. The anticipation was almost crippling, especially as Friday approached and slipped by hour by hour. I would be sitting at my desk and suddenly be seized by a pounding heart, shaking hands, and the overwhelming desire to scream.

I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly wonderful it is to know now. The night was perfect, despite my mini breakdowns and panic attacks. Becky even helped me set up a Periscope broadcast so that our long-distance friends and family could watch on a live feed! I had never even heard of Periscope, but it was such a brilliant solution. We were able to watch it together afterwards, which showed the live comments and hearts of everyone watching along! It was really special. It was especially wonderful to have that live recording on my phone afterwards, because the camera we set up to record the reveal ended up dying after only 4 seconds of video! 

I made little paper pins (bows and ties!) for people to wear to represent Team Boy or Team Girl. We also asked everyone to sign their names on the Team Board. Dusty and I were both Team Boy from the start! I also made a fun little list of Old Wives' Tales to indicate what each superstitious prediction would be for my pregnancy.

Dusty's grandma, Momo, had her own special prediction. When we first told her we were pregnant, her response was, "Oh I already knew that. God revealed that to me weeks ago."
There was a lot of laughter, surprised expressions, and "wait what??" from the rest of the family.
She then proceeded to say, "I also know the gender, but He hasn't told me to tell you that yet."
We begged her to tell us, but she wouldn't budge. Two weeks ago, she gave us a gift bag (stapled shut) with a gender-specific gift in it. The gender reveal suddenly became all about that bag. 

THIS. Hi, William Boyer. I knew it was you all along. 💙 #schantababy #TEAMBOY

A video posted by caitschan (@caitschan) on Aug 7, 2015 at 8:30pm PDT

As it turns out, we were right. Momo was right. Her gift was a pair of boy's socks and a card that said, God announced! Gender revealed! A baby boy born at Christmas. I can't believe all God must have in store for your baby boy! With resounding joy! - Momo. "

Team Momo. Team God. Team BOY!

We're naming him William Boyer. His namesakes are my dad, William, and Dusty's grandpa, Bernard Boyer. William is also the middle name of Dusty's dad, and there are a few other Williams on his side of the family. I have always loved the name William, and it is such a supreme privilege to be able to name our son after my wonderful father. Seeing his face when he read the baby's name aloud was one of the happiest moments of my life! There were many tears involved, and the kind of deeply felt happiness that is the result of a lifetime of love. I am so proud of the family our son belongs to, and the legacy he will carry on. It's a legacy of strength, faith, good humor and goodness. I have always been surrounded by boys, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Will Boy, we cannot wait to meet you!

Photos by Amy O'Neil Photography!

wearing cross stitch

Blouse (shop!)/Shoes (old): Ruche

I haven't done a real outfit post in a while, but I've been feeling more inspired lately to actually get up and get dressed. During the week, anyway. Mostly because my job requires it, but also because I'm starting to enjoy dressing up my ballooning baby bump. We took these photos after dinner, so I kind of think this baby bump is part baby, part food baby. I love them both very much.

I haven't purchased any actual maternity things yet (although I was recently gifted two maternity dresses which I love), because I'm really looking forward to trying to utilize what's already in my closet. I think it's going to be a fun challenge to wear an assortment of my normal tops, skirts and dresses to accommodate the growing of a human. I must confess, though, that this beautiful blouse wasn't already in my closet...because I just bought it from Ruche...but it's not a maternity top, so I think it still counts. :)

This blouse is easy, breezy and beautiful and has the prettiest lace. The colors are so bright, and the floral pattern is actually detailed to look like cross stitch. I personally adore cross stitch patterns, so this vintage-inspired top was calling to my chic old lady style. 

Loving Lately:

• THESE, because I would like to be the head of the Bringing Jellies Back committee. I'm going to need them in every color, please. Especially the glitter.
• Making big house decisions. It can be overwhelming, but it's so rewarding and so exciting to see each tiny bit of progress. Follow me on Instagram to see the updates on #CasaSchan.
• Rifle Paper Co. Wallpaper. I understand it's impractical but so pretty.
• A Beautiful Mess. Obviously this blog isn't new, but I've been crushing hard on it lately, especially for their DIY/home posts.
• The band RHODES. They have barely any music on Spotify, but I could listen to them all day.