the best bubbly

July 15th, 2015. 16 weeks. 

I think I'm trickling into the zone of dressing in "maternity style" now. I haven't gained a single pound yet, but my body has been shifting and changing and it's weird. It's rather miraculous and the strangest of things, to see my stomach rounding out and to feel the different muscles and to look at myself changing daily in the mirror. I only have one pair of pants that still fits me (darn you skinny jeans), and since I'm still in that is she pregnant or did she just eat at Chipotle? phase, I've been reaching exclusively for my flowiest of blouses and elastic-waist skirts and shorts, both for comfort and for a little bit of camouflage. Not that I want to hide that I'm pregnant, but there is a tiny bit of vanity involved I think. I either want to try and suck it in, or push it out as much as I can. The in-between can be a little bit tricky.

No matter what, I am overjoyed to be experiencing every single bit of it, including these awkward phases. I swear I've been feeling little baby flutters the past few days. Sometimes when I'm sitting really still, or when I first wake up in the morning, I feel these gentle butterfly wings in there. Every once in a while it'll be a kitten paw pushing, or it'll feel like I've just swallowed the best bubbly. It's impossible to tell whether these flutters are real or just a daydream (or gas), but even if they're in my mind, praise the Lord, they're my favorite make believes.

the velveteen girl

Once upon a time...

Yesterday's outfit and the bright prickly green of the desert in the budding Spring had me feeling like a character in a fairy story. There's something magical about the colors of the desert at sunset at this time of year. Green, grey, purple, blue, pink, yellow. These ethereal feelings might also have something to do with the book I'm currently reading, which is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast by Robin McKinley. It has me in an imaginative spirit. I recently went on a book-seeking voyage in my old room, and found a small pile of unread books that I had collected 10-15 years ago. I used to love wandering through Barnes and Noble and picking out new books. Nowadays I read mostly on my Kindle and choose books by popularity or recommendation - I miss choosing something based entirely on cover art, character names and instinct. I'm finally getting around to reading some of those old choices, time capsules of my first serious reading years. 

I like to think that maybe I was channeling a little royal Beast yesterday with the deep velvet dress. Yes, I wore velvet - I know you're shocked. You and me both. If anyone's to blame, it's Greer from Reign. I think maybe her green velvet dress finally broke my resolve to be anti-velvet forever.

The truth is, this velvet dress felt like a cushion for my fragile state of being. Like wrapping myself in something truly luxurious, it made me feel dressed up and pretty and beloved. It's silly how much clothing can mean to me sometimes. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can feel transformed by what I wear. The last two weeks have been largely pajama-clad, and while the solitude and relaxation were needed and cherished, there comes a point when you have to put on your boots and walk outside of yourself again. 

Dress (similar)/Blouse: Ruche, Sweater: Target

I tell my story in bits by blogs and texts and memories, and reflecting back on my life is always surreal. It goes by so fast, doesn't it? Time heals all wounds and it goes ever on and on. It helps to know that the world is a big place, and I am infinitely small. That even the earth is just a speck of thriving life, and it's not all there is. It's easy to be overwhelmed and to forget the big picture. To stay in that pajama-clad universe (introverts unite) and disappear within. But life is not a wish granting factory because it isn't (shouldn't be) a selfish endeavor. Living is only worth it when shared with others. I am just a velveteen rabbit on that journey for realness. A worn and torn beloved being, made real by love.

I think that's the magic. I obviously don't believe in fairy tales (much), but I do believe that there's power in lying on the cold ground and trying to count the stars, feeling the odd emotional sensation of staring into an endless space. Realizing how gargantuan the universe is and how teeny tiny you are. A pinprick in someone else's telescope. That's the only way we can ever let go of the small things and become better, realer people. To discover that there's a Creator and we are purposeful. That life is short and time swallows it in great gulps. But it is marvelous and worthwhile. Every single moment, every single life, every single teeny joy. Things like coffee and velvet dresses and Spring colors. Fragrant creosote flowers and good books and cool breezes.

Pack up these moments in your arms and carry them with you. Gather others into your heart and love them. Sacrifice and embrace and become a beloved. It's a simple world of velveteen people, and we're all made real by love.

beads and polka-dots {frocktober, day 14}

Dress (remixed): Ruche, Sweater (remixed): Francesca's

This sweater has been a favorite of mine for a little over a year now. For some reason it almost always encourages my hair into a messy bun, probably because it's so comfortable and I feel so carefree in its giant polka-dotted embrace. 

It also works quite well for a Frocktober sick day, which this certainly was. Yesterday was rather terrible. I left work around 1pm, went by the store to get a handful of cup-o-noodles (I know - but don't judge me. Everyone has their sicky cravings. Those things are weirdly delicious. Ramen all the way!), and headed straight home for sad couch noodle-eating. I napped for a few hours and then mustered up the strength to take a few photos. 

My husband was laughing at me during this shoot because he said he could tell I was "holding in the sickness" while I was standing there in the road. I definitely went right back into my pajamas as soon as we were done! 

Even so, I do love this outfit. This dress is perfect for layering like this because of the pretty beaded collar. 

I got a few new Ruche pieces in the mail last night that I'll be wearing this week - I'm currently wearing this dress, and loving it! It's such a pretty floral. I just can't wait for the weather to cool so I can wear it with scarves, tights and booties. 

I also got another gift from my husband which made me almost burst into tears (it was the cold talking), the long-awaited As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes. I honestly have just started reading it and have already squealed and/or said awww about a dozen times. I cannot wait to read it all. 

wanderlust wednesday

It's October! And it's a Wednesday. Which means Wanderlust Wednesday and Frocktober all rolled into one! My two very favorite things. What a wonderful day it is.
I've been posting Frocktober outfits almost daily. I will be posting two outfits tomorrow, day 7 & 8, because I decided to wear the same dress two days in a row to showcase some remixing! So today's post can be all about that elusive spellbinding wanderlust.

These photos are from the glorious little hipster-loving town of Florence, Italy.
I confess it wasn't our favorite city on our Italy trip, but it definitely has its charms. Many of our friends rave about this place, and I think I can understand why. Although we found it to be very thick with spoiled young Americans, crowded and smoky and dirty (especially our apartment), Florence does have its stunners. Things like the Piazzale Michelangelo, which boasts one of the most exquisite views in all of Italy. We hiked up the many steps to overlook the city right before sunset, listening to a local musician sing and play while all the lights began to warm the rooftops with their golden glow. Things like the Statue of David, which is so much grander in person than I expected. He has a lot to say, and won't mind if you linger a while to speak with him. Things like the Duomo, which is so impossibly intricate it's hard to describe in words. The gargantuan church is crammed in a small tourist-filled square, and it sticks out like an intricate embroidery in the midst of a pile of napkins. Things like bike-riding along the Arno, adrenaline rushing and hair whipping, or riding a taxi outside the city center to a little underground pizzeria (Pizzeria Spera, go there) to eat the best gosh-darn pizza on the entire planet.
With those types of tools at its disposal, Florence did eventually capture us. And, of course, Florence was the home base that allowed us to venture out to San Gimignano.
While we both agree that we loved Rome best, Florence deserves a salute and perhaps a sweet blown kiss.
Mostly for that pizza, though, amiright?


(see all wanderlust wednesday posts)

soulhome

A friend of mine once mused, If there are soulmates, maybe there are soulhomes, too. 

A soulhome. What a romantic thought. A place where your heart is destined to rest, a special and mysterious location where your soul has intricate ties. 

I personally don't really believe in soulmates. The One. 

I think relationships take work, you choose to love. I do think that my husband and I are great together, and that I prayed for him from the time that I was a little girl. I knew I would marry someone someday, and I wanted to make sure God knew all of my requirements, things like "loves Big Red gum". 

I don't think anyone could ever love and appreciate me the way my husband does. In all my weirdness. I cherish him. Sometimes I like to say we're soulmates, because he's my one, the man I've chosen. We work hard at our relationship, and our commitment to each other has been blessed. 

But as far as real soulmates go? I believe we as humans are irrevocably flawed, and therefore if there even could be such a thing as soulmates, we would have ruined that whole deal a long long time ago. We would have married the wrong people and messed up the soulmate order for everyone. 

I remember thinking about that when I was around 10 or 11. I had a moment of pure panic, thinking of someone accidentally marrying my soulmate before I got to him.

Perhaps the first and only soulmates in the history of the world were Adam and Eve, and we all know how that turned out. 

But let's imagine for a second that soulmates and, more importantly, soulhomes are real.

Each one of us has, imprinted on our heart, a place that belongs to us. 

Born into the world with locks around our soul, a golden key is tossed out into the universe. And the moment we step into that place, the great expanse of desert in Arizona, the rolling green hills of Ireland, the towering sky-rises of New York, we hear that click. 

And we are unlocked. 

It's an absolutely stunning thought.

A lifelong quest to find each other, you and that distant land of destiny. 

I think I've experienced similar feelings of serendipity, which could easily be heaped into that nebulous overwhelming wanderlust. 

I think for most people though, myself included, a soulhome would be the place we've spent most if not all of our lives. There's a definite bond between a person and where they were born. 

Arizona is my place. The desert is where I have always belonged, it's where I feel most enchanted and most at ease. I understand it and appreciate it for all that it is. I feel really lucky in that way.  

But I've also lived other places and traveled to countries that I have fallen in love with. There are those dreamy trips that make us all swoon (Hollywood-driven, most likely), just imagining what the Eiffel Tower must be like in person, or thinking of riding in a Gondola in Venice. Growing up as an O'Neil and loving all things Irish, I would definitely say that Ireland was my dream place to live for a very long time. Irish blessings hung on my walls, green was my favorite color, Gerard Butler in P.S. I Love You is my favorite ever. 

Over the last few years of traveling, I've had my moments of, I could do this. I could live here for keeps. 

One of my favorite terms for my friends is kindred spirits. Unlike the idea of soulmates, I heartily believe and support the idea of kindred spirits. They exist all over the world, and come sneaking into your heart even when you least expect to find them. 

Arizona is my soulhome, but maybe I can allow my heart to find kindred places, too.

And what a long, lovely list of kindreds that will be.